So! Let’s call your bluff. “I can’t live without coffee” – that one. Or this one: “Two shots, please. Can’t have anything else.” Or how about another? “God, I’m sorry I broke into your shop and stole those arabica beans. I’m mortified. It’s just – it’s just that I… Can’t. Do. Without. It.”
Caffeine, caffeine hitting your tongue, hitting your gums, seeping into your bloodstream, making the parched sands of your mind burst into bloom. Thrashing through your veins, making you jump, making you fizz, making you go to the loo. You are carbon, you are water, you are iron, and you are caffeine. C8H10N4O2, the name on your heart, the drink on your lips. Take your coffee away and you are nothing, bones in a lifeless flesh sack.
Up the dose. Increase the hit. How much coffee can a man or woman really bear? What is the maximal amount that you or I could get away with on a daily basis? 400 milligrams, some men in white coats have confirmed, i.e. four cups of brewed coffee, and, to boot, another bunch of scientists have said that three espressi a day will cut a man’s prostate risk – so the question, now that we have established that caffeine is good, and good in large quantities, is: what is the most efficient way of getting it down me? What is the strongest coffee out there?
And – do you really, actually, verily like coffee so much that you will drink this stuff? Behold! Six of the very strongest coffees out there.
1. Strong Coffee
Strength: If promotional material profanities were milligrams of caffeine this coffee would be the strongest coffee. They tell me it’s 140mg of caffeine per cup. 3/5.
Packaging intimidation factor: No-nonsense, has a swear word. Decent effort. 3/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: One of those hangovers where you know you don’t have time to stay in bed and are going to have to impersonate a functioning human being.
2. Costa Coffee cappuccino
This, apparently, is the strongest cappuccino of the big high street chains. Most have less than 100mg of caffeine in a 12-ounce cup, this has 185mg. This is your gateway coffee.
Strength: 2/5. Wait till you meet the big boys.
Packaging intimidation factor: I don’t know what it is that will finally usher me off this mortal coil, but it’s not going to be something with a little chocolatey stencil of coffee beans on it. 0/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: Any old trip to a Costa.
3. Banned Coffee
Claims to be the world’s strongest coffee. We’ll see about that.
Strength: 12oz of this stuff is the caffeine equivalent of five cups of normal coffee. 3/5
Packaging intimidation factor: The material looks slightly leathery. I am wary enough of tight black leather to give this a 4/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: Alone. Imagine offering someone something out of that packaging.
4. Biohazard Coffee
“Obtain Non Stop Productivity,” its website says, rattling the bars of its police cell. “Enjoy Sleepless Nights, Partake In All Nighter Study Sessions, Become Unstoppable”. None of these things sound appealing. “Caution,” it adds, “Insomnia Guaranteed!!”. And I’m out!
Strength: 650-702 mg per 12 fluid ounces brewed, according to Caffeine Informer. Go on, have a 4/5.
Packaging intimidation factor: No real biohazard would be labelled with that font. 2/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: If I wanted to give some gullible kids a fright.
5. Death Wish Coffee
Claims to be the world’s strongest. A 12-oz mug of this has 728mg of caffeine. This is possibly enough to wake the dead.
Packaging intimidation factor: This would not make it through customs. 5/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: If undergoing sleep deprivation torture at Guantánamo. On Hallowe’en.
6. Black Insomnia Coffee
A 12-ounce mug of this contains 702mg of caffeine – more than eight times a high street cappuccino. “THE STAMINA I AM FEELING IS NOT MORTAL!”, a reviewer writes, fingers a-blur over his stained keyboard. I do not want to drink this.
Packaging intimidation factor: Rat poison meets gimp suit. 6/5.
Circumstances under which I would drink it: None. Nada. I do not want to die young. I do not want to leave a hyper-caffeinated, twitching corpse. I am not responsible if you are idiot enough to try this.
All these coffees caffeine content is pretty extreme. For a more tamed caffeine fix head on over to The Brew House Coffee in Marshalltown!
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